ACT ONE: Display setting and non-investigators, main players, build tension, the first corpse
Scene - Eola Ext. Day. (Morgan, Alex, Brute/Stand-in)
Morgan and Alex are struggling with stuffing something in the back seat of their car. Feathers stick to them and fly around. Swan honking noises are heard as the too struggle. Begin with pan of picturesque park before coming to reveal them as the source of the honking and feathers. Brute’s hands land on both of their shoulders and they turn, realizing they’ve been caught.
Scene - Office Int. Day. (Morgan, Alex, Brute, Fields)
Morgan and Alex are pushed down into seats by Brute, feathers puff up. Across from them is a desk and a swivel chair facing away from them with Blofeld.
Brute
They were stealing the swans, sir.
Morgan
Freeing them, man. We were freeing them.
Alex
Yeah they shouldn’t be locked up here. This is the only life they’ve known. This jail. Like some sort of sideshow attraction.
Morgan (talking at the same time)
They’re more than just tourist bait, man.
Brute (talking at the same time)
You tree hugging morons.
Alex (talking at the same time)
They should be free.
Morgan (talking at the same time)
Free, man.
Alex (talking at the same time)
Not policed by you.
Morgan (talking at the same time)
You’re not even real police.
Brute (talking at the same time)
I’m enough of police.
Alex (talking at the same time)
You’re not real. You don’t care.
Morgan (talking at the same time)
You don’t even have a gun. Just a flashlight and a patch.
Brute (talking at the same time)
You know what this patch means? It means I’m gonna mess you up. It means don’t mess with my park. It means that...
Morgan (talking at the same time)
You shouldn’t talk to us like that.
Alex (talking at the same time)
We have rights. Like the swans.
Morgan (talking at the same time)
The swans have rights man.
Fields
Enough (swivels around) You have tested my patience for the last time. Brute, you know what to do with them.
Brute smiles and grabs the two by their collars and yanks up, mirroring plopping them down at the beginning of the scene.
Scene - Ext. Park. Day. (Picnic Couple/Family) A nice picnic between a couple or a family at the park. Idle discussion about idle problems. They get up to feed the swans and as they get closer to the water find a mangled body part (Alex’s) with see-saw teeth marks at the severing. Screaming and fade to police lights.
ACT TWO:
Investigation goes underway. Following procedure. Focus on detectives. Detective identifying hurdles that must be crossed, but not actually crossing many. Detective moving slow and killer moving quick. Find clues, they go nowhere. Embarrassment. Witness hold things back. Close to a major discovery and then… The second corpse… possibly prime suspect
Scene - Gas Station. Int. Day. (Charlie, Vic, Hunter)
Fade in on donuts being picked out of a display and boxed up. It’s Charlie. Vic is getting coffee. They move through the store and check out.
Charlie
Vic? Do you have any preference on donut?
Vic
I don’t eat that stuff, Charlie. It’s bad for your heart. You’ll shorten your lifespan with each bite you take.
Charlie
Yeah, well, with work like this, maybe I don’t want to live much longer.
Outside a horn is honked. Charlie raises a hand like “Yeah! I know!”
Charlie
Jesus! Like Hunter thinks I’ll forget his juice.
Vic
He’s not bad. I worked with a producer once who was never happy. I got him footage of a plane, he wanted a train. I got him footage of a brawl, he wanted a mugging. It was like working for a two-year-old. Never happy with what he had.
Charlie
Yeah, but at least you got viewers working for him. What’s Hunter got us doing? Driving down to Orlando to investigate a shark attack? In a lake?
Vic
Well, it is “Unexplainable Mysteries”, Charlie. If it was in the ocean, it’d be “explainable”.
The horn honks again. Charlie grabs the juice and checks out.
Charlie
I just thought there’d be more to show business than talking to kooks and babysitting producers.
Charlie opens the door to reveal Hunter, played by a toddler, in the driver’s seat
Hunter
Juice?
Charlie hands the juice to Hunter.
Charlie (to Vic)
It’s just demeaning, you know.
Scene - Int. Car. Day. (Charlie, Vic, Hunter)
Hunter is drinking his juice in his childseat. Vic has a map and a phone in the passenger seat. Charlie is driving.
Vic
The remains of Alex “Wildflower” Fields was found on the shore of Lake Eola in the heart of downtown Orlando. Authorities have not released details of investigation.
Charlie
Good. So we’re free to speculate.
Vic
However, the picnicers that found the man’s arm have been reporting that it was a shark bite.
Charlie
And speculate we shall.
Vic
A shark bite? At this time of the year? In this part of the state? Localized entirely within a small freshwater urban lake?
Hunter
Yes.
Vic
Can you prove it?
Charlie (mocking)
No. That’s the “unexplained” part of “Unexplained Mysteries”, Vic.
Hunter
HEY!
Charlie
Sorry. Sorry. It’s a great job, Hunter. You’re right. (to self) real ticket to stardom, it is…
They pull up at Lake Eola.
Charlie
Oh, what is this?!
Scene - Ext. Park. Day. (Charlie, Vic, Hunter, Belloc, Eve)
“The Idiot Box” is preparing to film. Belloc is having makeup put on him by Eve. Charlie exits the car and storms over to confront him as Vic helps Hunter out of his seat.
Belloc (to Eve)
So he says “I know it’s awful, but those girls are like blackjack. I keep shooting for 21, but end up hitting on 14.”
Eve (to Belloc)
You’re disgusting.
Charlie
What the hell are you doing here, Belloc?
Belloc
Hi, Charlie. Nice to see you again. This is Eve. You’re being rude. Say hello to Eve.
Charlie
This is our story.
Belloc
What story? This is idiotic. That’s the only reason I’m here. Going to put it up as an example that morons will believe anything. Why are you here? (Charlie looks away) Oh… you’re hear for your little mystery show.
Hunter
That’s right!
Belloc
Look at you, Hunter. You’ve changed so much since I fired you, what? Five years ago?
Hunter
Three.
Eve
I’ve seen your show. You take the weird stuff and try to make it seem plausible, right? You guys aren’t here for the shark thing are you?
Belloc (smiling)
They are.
Eve
But… we’re the Idiot Box.
Belloc (smiling)
They know. We make fun of all the stupid things that idiots will believe.
Eve
Oh… this is not going to look good for you guys.
Charlie attacks Belloc and is pulled off.
Belloc (standing up, removing makeup bib)
Well, I’d love to stay and chat with the bottom of the barrel a little longer, but I’ve got a crackpot theory to debunk. Eve?
The two leave.
Scene - Ext. Park. Day. (Belloc, Charlie)
Shot from Eve’s camera, this is the Idiot Box being recorded. Belloc addresses the camera directly.
Belloc
Behind me… yada yada…
Charlie enters into background and begins to make a nuisance of himself as Belloc continues.
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