Reddit

My friend just bragged to me about getting to the front page of Reddit.  Luckily, I was able to neuter his happiness by showing him my post archived very high up in /r/all... If this makes no sense to you, good.  You are a good person.

But I had to track down my old account to find proof and I thought it'd be fun to look at my top and bottom rated comments of all time.  I'm omitting the ones that only make sense in context.  It's like ill-tempered turret's.

Top-rated:

1. WoW doesn't want me trolling, Chris Hansen doesn't want me chatting, China doesn't want me looking at the news, my boss doesn't want me playing games, Steve Jobs doesn't want me looking at porn, what the hell am I supposed to do on the internet?!

2. AOL stands ready for your search terms.

3. I didn't think I would ever say this but "Upvote for racial cleansing"

4. This should be a international campaign to guavafy our mail services.

5. Why is Spider Jeruselum quoting Watchman in an Insane Clown Posse shirt while a Tim Burton puppet looks on?


Bottom-rated: 

I lied.  I have never received a downvote.  (Actually it was just really hard to scroll down to the end of the comments and you can only sort by top, new, or controversial)  So here's my most controversial comments!

Q: Do you find it rude when coworkers speak a different language around you?
1. I bet at least one person who upvoted this has upvoted a "Rednecks are dumb and ignorant with things like "Welcome to America, NOW SPEAK ENGLISH" shirts" and don't even feel the least bit hypocritical.

2. While I'm teaching motorcycle classes, writing books on food, writing articles for the local indie paper on hot nightspots, then vacationing to go scuba diving through wrecked ships and visiting exotic South American locations with my beautiful wife and our child, I'll remember to have a drink in honor of the quiet, reserved bunch that (for some reason I'll never understand) don't do what they want to do.

3. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

4. I've written, edited, formatted, and published a 50,000 in one day. Took adderall and stank by the end of it. But I did it.

5. Goes both ways right? The atheists shouldn't infringe on the theists' rights, too.

And finally, an example of why I had to leave this account and start a new one.  I had become banned from so many advice columns.

My girlfriend says whenever we have sex its always "porno sex" or objectifying her. Does she have a point?

I disagree with the others. I think you should go the other direction. Show her what real porn sex is. Hook her up to a dildo machine and then rub your asshole on her forehead while bobbing your balls on her chin as you cum on her tits and make sure you tell her she's a stupid cunt. At the end, tell her you aren't really a casting agent.