God said, “Boo.”
Naturally, it was very startling.
First the world had to come to grips with the undeniable fact that
there actually was a god. Then came the realization that he was
something of a twat. Everyone heard that first “boo” and every
bit of the taunting that came later. It didn't matter your location
or elevation or language. Even the deaf heard Him. That was another
thing. God was a him. The voice was masculine, but not very, like a
preteen boy. This came as an embarrassment to people who had always
imagined themselves to be edgy and progressive by referring to God
with feminine pronouns. Whereas those progressive attention seekers
just mumbled and switched pronouns, the atheists were overcome with
fear. Well, most people were, but the atheists really went overboard
with it. The churches were full every hour of the day. Crosses and
rosary beads became popular everydayware, but so did other religious
symbols like Stars of David or Muslim crescents. God never specified
initially which religion was correct. He just said, “Boo” and
let people panic. As previously stated, something of a twat move.
A few years went by which, if biblical
scholarly types were to be believed, was not supposed to be that long
for God. Some of the fear subsided, but really, no one could
outrightly dismiss the terror and feeling of insignificance. Life
never returned to anything resembling normal. There was no point to
commerce or dating. Everyone was too scared for that. It was all
“here, have it for free because I'm so good and should go to
heaven” and “let's get married before we even kiss each other
because we don't want to piss off the Almighty.”
When the earthquakes began, everyone
blamed everyone else for upsetting the Lord Above. “He's punishing
us because you touched yourself” or “This is because you had
impure thoughts”. Lots of people died. They weren't normal
earthquakes. They were earth (space) quakes. Quakes of the earth.
The entire planet, every location had quakes at the same time, like
God was batting the planet around like a kitten with trapped lizard.
The destruction was awful and the accounts of the dead filled the
airwaves. And the entire human race reacted out of fear and declared
a War on God.
In the wake of the destruction, the
human race united against a common enemy, though with no idea of how
to fight their deity, a being of limitless power and omniscience.
The Earth has united its armies and its greatest minds and had begun
preparations to attack God as if he was some corporeal enemy, when an
enthusiastic voice boomed from the heavens with joy in His voice.
“Ready?”
The armies scattered and the entire
human race did its best to hide from the Almighty, taking to bunkers
and staying indoors. In the coming years, children were raised to
sleeping during the day and only go out at night for fear that God
might see them. Stories were passed back and forth about God. Some
were rehashing of religious tales and some were new creations based
on the Lord since he made himself known. These were added to the
existing tales of miracles and creation. For centuries, each culture
had its own legends and superstitions of the creation of the planet
and the universe. None of them, it turned out, were right. One day,
God explained the creation of life, the universe, and everything.
But not to the human race. It was very technical and contained many
terms that human ears had never heard before. As God was not
speaking to the human race, they only caught pieces of His
explanation, but everyone was sure of how it started.
“For my science project, I made a
model of the universe out of atoms.”
Through God's speech, which lasted for
years in the time of the Earth, the suicide rate skyrocketed. When
he explained the human race in terms of genetics and molecules, as if
no essence of the human soul existed, society crumbled and neighbor
turned on neighbor. There was no heaven or hell and God did not care
for us. He wasn't even that good of a speaker. The universe must
have been a disappointment, because he was upset with his grade on
the project.
Centuries passed and society rebuilt
itself as the certainty of God's existence and the existence of the
universe turned to legend. Man and woman returned to normal over
hundreds and hundreds of years. Children played, the world got
along, and it was a golden age of science and literacy. God only
spoke two more words to the universe. Scientists had started to
panic about a gigantic dark mass between the constellations of
Centaurus and Vela near the edge of the observable universe.
“Stupid project,” came His booming
voice, filled with the bitterness and spite of a betrayed boy.
The entire universe recoiled in horror.
Many died from fright alone and mothers held their children so tight
they hurt them. The sound that filled the universe, that last sound
in the universe, was a fuse burning, the distinctive “sssssss” of
a firecracker. It lasted for years, but the terror never stopped.
The entire universe was tortured by His final fit. It was a death
sentence that could happen at anytime, any moment. For over twenty
years, there was only fear.
… and then the Earth exploded!
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