You know my movie reviews are actually popular? I have people bring them up out of nowhere, usually saying they refuse to read them until they've seen the movie. With that in mind, yes, there are spoiler warnings.
So I saw Star Trek at the bidding of Kiri. I would've waited for a ripped version at Pirate Bay but she wanted to see it for her birthday. Yeah, I'm lucky like that.
First of all, you should know that Star Trek was a big part of my upbringing. My dad thought that Star Trek and Flash Gordon fulfilled his requirement to bring "culture" into my life. I have a firm stance that the original series was the best and no movie or spinoff since can top it. I would rather watch the original appearance of Khan than the Wrath of Khan. I don't even look at Enterprise/Deep Space Nine/Voyager. Next Generation is worth some time, but Kirk is still King. I prefer my starship captains to out-talk Roman gods, fight Nazis in time travel, and seek out new life and new civilizations, then have sex with their women. On Futurama, Zap Branigan is Captain Kirk with only the lightest hint of satire. It was like watching Austin Powers if it was an action movie.
Now, on that note, I would like to point out two things missing from my rebooted Kirk. Specifically two fighting moves that knocked out aliens across the universe. The Kirk Kick, the Human Bowling Ball and the mighty Kirk Punch.
To perform the Kirk Kick, you initiate a dropkick, but you pretend you are an 90 year old woman. This usually means using the scenery to pull yourself up, jumping off something higher and flailing in the air, or attaining the fetal position in mid-air. I understand why this was not in the movie.
The Human Bowling Ball consists of something that you would expect a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle to execute, but instead you are the figurehead captain of an interstellar police force. Kind of like if the Green Lantern stomped on someone's toes. It consists of throwing yourself somewhere near the victim's feet so that it is somewhat possibly maybe conceivable that you may have tripped them. The victim then does a somersault onto a visible mat. I understand why this was not in the movie.
The Kirk Punch however, is the most devastating move in the known universe, unrivalled in its badassness and awesomeness. To describe it as a double axe handle to the back is like calling the sun a ball of fire. In all the years of Star Trek, only one man ever shrugged off the Kirk Punch. KHAAAAAAAN!!!
People like this fight because it's the only instance of the HurraKirkrana, but I like it because Khan actually shrugs off THREE Kirk Punches! Unbelievable. Why wasn't the might of the Kirk Punch featured in the reboot?!
Ok, enough fanboyism. On to the movie. I loved it, five stars. Can't say enough about it. I told everyone it felt like Star Wars meets Firefly. For less geeky friends I said, it was more like Star Wars than Star Trek. Then I saw this and realized how right I was.
Hmm... hadn't made all those connections before. Wonder what JJ Abrams thinks.
(Speaking of Wars/Trek, R2D2 cameos in Trek)
JJ Abrams is our new favorite guy. His other works, Fringe, Lost, and Cloverfield give you an idea of what Trek is like.
So we start by seeing Papa Kirk get killed as Baby Kirk is born. Since Papa Kirk is in the Original Series, things start out weird. This is later explained through Back to the Future II logic. Spock and the villain "Nero" travel back in time, creating an alternate time line. So Kirk could die as an infant and be in keeping with the time line. I actually thought Scotty was going to die in the movie once they explained it.
We then get treated to baby badasses Spock and Kirk. Kirk steals a car, outruns a cop, drives it into a canyon and tells off a cop. Spock acts all Vulcan til someone picks on his mom, then he beats the green shit out of the kid that called her a whore. Fast forward to teenage badasses Spock and Kirk. Kirk is drinking and fighting and fighting and drinking. Spock delivers the line "Live Long and Prosper" but it sounds like "Go Fuck Yourselves, I'm Outtie. CHILL!" to the Vulcan High Council.
Kirk meets Bones on the flight to Starfleet Academy. See, Commander Pike convinced him to join. "Pike? Why does that name seem so familiar?"
Yeah, I don't see good things in his future. Sure enough, he's in a wheelchair by the end of the movie, though he's not speaking with a binary bulb in his heart and cruising around in the Stephen Hawking 6000 ProAm.
Bones has the best introduction of the film, even better than the baby badasses. He's hiding in the bathroom of the ship because there's no windows and of course, Dr McCoy has aviophobia; "You know what that is? That's a fear of dying in a flying vehicle." He then introduces himself to Kirk with "I might throw up on you" and lists all the possible ways that they could die in this short trip like a cross between Forest Gump's shrimp-obsessed Benjamin 'Bubba' Blue and Pooh Bears clinically depressed friend Eeyore.
Eventually Kirk and Spock are at Starfleet Academy together and some more difference start to emerge. Spock is the programmer on the Kobayashi Maru. Yes. This will go well.
Kirk pimps the Kobayashi (it's a real fanboy moment as we never actually have seen this, only heard tales of him beating the unbeatable no-win scenario), which pisses off Spock, who was tasked with making it unbeatable.
Explanation: Kirk entered Starfleet later than in the original series, resulting in the coincidence.
Oh noes! EMERGENCY! And our regular starfleet is out to lunch... or something. They don't really explain WHY all the cadets are suddenly promoted to five-star generals and sent to war, but it does really remind me of Starship Troopers. ("We're going to WAR!")
Bones and Kirk have one of the best comedy scenes of the movie to get Kirk on board the Enterprise and you get the first hints that Spock is the one tapping Uhura's bodacious black booty.
Explanation: Kirk entered Starfleet later, so no fling with her, so she was open to Spock.
Kirk gets to save the ship from a trap by putting 2 and 2 together. The first 2 is that he was born during this same trap and the second 2 is that while he was giving a green chick the sexual stuffing of her life, he overheard some news from Uhura as she stripped to her undies. (Can't blame Kirk, the green chick is an Orion who exhudes phermones, they do make a small slut joke about this)
It's like a $100 million budget movie. Could they have spent more than $5 on Spock's wig? On the subject of Spock, I couldn't get Zachary Quinto's role of Sylar out of my mind for the first 10 minutes he was on screen. I kept expecting him to slice open a skull and eat a brain. Quinto DID look just like old Spock so when he stood next to Nemoy, you got an amazing effect without needing effects.
Anyway, cool stuff continues to happen. Nemoy somehow manages to be the worst actor of the film (but still good). Nemoy's role was fantastic. I had heard that original Kirk, that Priceline Guy, turned down a chance to cameo and it was a good choice. He didn't look like his replacement and it didn't make sense to the story, nor could it have without major rewrites the script and Star Trek history.
A few things to watch...
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