Hebrew Calendar
10 Tishrei: Yom Kippur. Fast one day, be forgiven of all your sins of the year
25 Kislev - 3 Tevet: Hanukkah. I just love this holiday.
Christian Calendar
January 2: Everything Is Back To Normal Day. The last day of the "holiday season" that drives me nuts.
Third Monday in January: Martin Luther King 3-Day Weekend. Usually great Florida weather to boot.
January 31: Everything Is Back To Normal Day. The last day of whatever "one month" experiment I committed to on January 1.
February 2: It's Groundhog Day Again. Get to binge watch Groundhog Day and is the shared birthday of my two best friends, Phil and Jaron.
February 14: Valentine's Day. I love my wife and get to make a day dedicated to that.
Third Monday in February: Presidents Day 3-Day Weekend. Good Florida weather and a chance to travel for my birthday.
Saturday to Tuesday In the Seventh Week Before Easter. Mardi Gras starts on Saturday if you're local to New Orleans. I'm local-related, so it sometimes is contagious.
Wednesday in the Seventh Week Before Easter to the Thursday before Easter. Lent is a great time for focus even if it's not my religion.
February 20: My birthday. I am awesome.
February 29: Leap Day. It feels like you have an extra day like it's a present!
Random Tuesday in February or March: Everything Is Back To Normal Day/Super Tuesday. When the primaries are really decided and all the ads come down.
March 14: Steak and Blowjob Day. The flip side to Valentine's Day. She loves me and makes a day dedicated to that.
Forth Friday in March: Everything Is Back To Normal Day. Lent ends.
April 1: April Fools Day. My anniversary with Mrs. Awesome!
April 10: Mom's Birthday. She is awesome.
April 15: Everything Is Back To Normal Day. Everyone shuts up about taxes for eight months.
May 7: Kiri's Birthday. She is awesome.
Second Sunday in May: Mother's Day. They are awesome.
Last Monday of May: Memorial Day. Unofficial first day of Summer, which means Florida starts getting crazy.
June 19: Father's Day. I am awesome.
July 4: Observed Meeting Kiri Anniversary. Not the actual day, just when I have everyone fire fireworks to celebrate it.
First Monday in September: Labor Day. Unofficial last day of Summer, which means Florida starts getting insane. (Summer used to have more holidays, but Florida heat burned them alive)
October 1-31: Halloween. It is a month-long celebration.
October 24-31: Fantasy Fest. A Key West festival I dream of attending.
November 1: Everything Is Back To Normal Day. The world hasn't turned full Christmas yet because they're taking down Halloween.
Second Tuesday in November: Everything Is Back To Normal Day/Election Day. When the new high chancellor is elected and the ads stop.
Fourth Thursday in November: Thanksgiving. We focus on food, friends, and thanks! Lovely day.
December 24: Christmas Eve. I see you shiver with antici-
December 25: Observed Proposing To Kiri Anniversary. -pation
December 25: Christmas. Despite my reputation, I don't hate Christmas. I hate the 60-day immersion into a culture you can't opt out of, that makes no sense, and that you are looked down on if you, not even don't participate, but don't participate enough. Christmas, as a day with an eve, is awesome.
December 31: New Year's Eve. I love resolutions. I love the sound they make when I eat them.
Star Wars non-spoiler thoughts
So I wanted to talk about The Force Awakens. No spoilers, promise. Just talking about music and direction and stuff in general. But if you want that to be a surprise too, then don't read.
First off, it's a great movie. Really amazing. I'm sure someone will post all the plot holes that I don't see right now one day or Family Guy will do a special but for now it's just about perfect.
It had a very Avengers feel to it because it was established characters being pulled together with cameos and in-jokes.
Everything is turned up to 11. It was like someone took each piece of Star Wars, chose the thing that made it badass and turned that specific trait of that specific piece up. It was like Star Wars if Star Wars ate Star Wars.
It has the easiest drinking game in the world. Every time a stormtrooper makes you laugh, drink. And every time a stormtrooper horrifies you with brutal Nazism, drink.
Not about the movie, but I sat next to grandparents who had camped out and seen all 7 movies on their opening showings! So fun to talk to them.
The dialog is like Hot Fuzz. At one point I was telling myself "I won't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred adrenaline-fuelled thrill-ride, but there's no way that you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork."
I thought it felt like Joss Whedon more than JJ Abrams. Kiri disagreed. George Lucas seemed to have nothing to do with it as far as I can tell.
How does the Wookie get so many good lines? He doesn't even talk!
Roughly 14 wild cheers from the audience. I actually think the characters are silent after each fan service to allow for the outbursts. Good planning.
You can expect a lot of Key and Peele skits in the future. Jordan Peele looks and acts like Finn. He even sometimes came off like he wasn't a member of the universe, but was sucked in from our world through some kind of Last Action Hero subplot. It's awesome.
Funniest of the Star Wars films. Possibly the most action-packed.
No big musical score? No Imperial March. No Duel of the Fates. Absent enough that it seemed like a conscious choice to omit. Maybe JJ thought it would take us out of the moment.
First off, it's a great movie. Really amazing. I'm sure someone will post all the plot holes that I don't see right now one day or Family Guy will do a special but for now it's just about perfect.
It had a very Avengers feel to it because it was established characters being pulled together with cameos and in-jokes.
Everything is turned up to 11. It was like someone took each piece of Star Wars, chose the thing that made it badass and turned that specific trait of that specific piece up. It was like Star Wars if Star Wars ate Star Wars.
It has the easiest drinking game in the world. Every time a stormtrooper makes you laugh, drink. And every time a stormtrooper horrifies you with brutal Nazism, drink.
Not about the movie, but I sat next to grandparents who had camped out and seen all 7 movies on their opening showings! So fun to talk to them.
The dialog is like Hot Fuzz. At one point I was telling myself "I won't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred adrenaline-fuelled thrill-ride, but there's no way that you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork."
I thought it felt like Joss Whedon more than JJ Abrams. Kiri disagreed. George Lucas seemed to have nothing to do with it as far as I can tell.
How does the Wookie get so many good lines? He doesn't even talk!
Roughly 14 wild cheers from the audience. I actually think the characters are silent after each fan service to allow for the outbursts. Good planning.
You can expect a lot of Key and Peele skits in the future. Jordan Peele looks and acts like Finn. He even sometimes came off like he wasn't a member of the universe, but was sucked in from our world through some kind of Last Action Hero subplot. It's awesome.
Funniest of the Star Wars films. Possibly the most action-packed.
No big musical score? No Imperial March. No Duel of the Fates. Absent enough that it seemed like a conscious choice to omit. Maybe JJ thought it would take us out of the moment.
Browser check
Let's see what is the top suggestion for each letter
Amazon
Bing
Chase
Drive (Google)
eBay
Facebook
Gmail
HappyClicks.net (Toddler games)
Imgur
Joe's Crab Shack (Don't even like them but they eliminated tipping and raised staff wage to $15/hr)
KittyConvict.com (Jaron linked me to this. I visited only one time like Joe's Crab Shack.)
Lowe's Build and Grow (Workshops for boy)
Merriam-Webster
Netflix
Oglaf (Dirty webcomic)
Papa John's
Q (No websites for Q)
Reddit
Sign-in For Work
Twitter
U (No websites for U)
Virginia Health Department (I once had to look up VA's child seat law)
Walmart
Xnxx (Porn)
YouTube
Z (No websites for Z)
Amazon
Bing
Chase
Drive (Google)
eBay
Gmail
HappyClicks.net (Toddler games)
Imgur
Joe's Crab Shack (Don't even like them but they eliminated tipping and raised staff wage to $15/hr)
KittyConvict.com (Jaron linked me to this. I visited only one time like Joe's Crab Shack.)
Lowe's Build and Grow (Workshops for boy)
Merriam-Webster
Netflix
Oglaf (Dirty webcomic)
Papa John's
Q (No websites for Q)
Sign-in For Work
U (No websites for U)
Virginia Health Department (I once had to look up VA's child seat law)
Walmart
Xnxx (Porn)
YouTube
Z (No websites for Z)
Body vs Mind
For my body to be healthy, I need to be off my psychiatric pills, on my cholesterol pill, not eating simple carbohydrates and fats.
For my brain to be healthy, I need to be on my psychiatric pills, off my cholesterol pills, eating simple carbohydrates and fats.
For both to be healthy, I need exercise and activity.
For my shoulder to remain intact, I need to abstain from exercise and activity.
You tweak one thing on one side of the scales and it starts to go out of balance.
For my brain to be healthy, I need to be on my psychiatric pills, off my cholesterol pills, eating simple carbohydrates and fats.
For both to be healthy, I need exercise and activity.
For my shoulder to remain intact, I need to abstain from exercise and activity.
You tweak one thing on one side of the scales and it starts to go out of balance.
Minimalist Packing List
I'm making my packing list for a week at a hotel by the beach. Here's what I've got so far.
1 pair of convertible quick dry pants (they're pants! they're shorts! they're a swimsuit!)
1 pair of pajama shorts
Shirts (I haven't decided how many to pack yet)
1 wedding ring
1 pair of sunglasses
iPhone and charger
Ear buds
Toothbrush and toothpaste
Hotel shampoo bottle filled with Tide to wash clothes in sink
Flushable wipes (never assume the bathroom tissue ply situation!)
Medication
Booze
Food (I like to empty the cupboards to find all the snacks that have hidden and take them on trips instead of stopping or paying at the hotel or something)
Shirt-wise, I usually wear a tank top while driving and carry a short sleeve dress shirt up front with me for if we stop somewhere nice. Then I keep a second short sleeve dress shirt in the bag to change into after I reach my destination and freshen up. I also try to wear shirts I should throw out so I don't have to bring them back. This trip though, I don't have any throw-away shirts and I'm feeling fancier than two shirts and a tank top. Might still go with it though.
If I do, then my bag will only have pills, pajama shorts, one shirt, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, and wipes. And then all the food and booze I can fit in the back of the car.
1 pair of convertible quick dry pants (they're pants! they're shorts! they're a swimsuit!)
1 pair of pajama shorts
Shirts (I haven't decided how many to pack yet)
1 wedding ring
1 pair of sunglasses
iPhone and charger
Ear buds
Toothbrush and toothpaste
Hotel shampoo bottle filled with Tide to wash clothes in sink
Flushable wipes (never assume the bathroom tissue ply situation!)
Medication
Booze
Food (I like to empty the cupboards to find all the snacks that have hidden and take them on trips instead of stopping or paying at the hotel or something)
Shirt-wise, I usually wear a tank top while driving and carry a short sleeve dress shirt up front with me for if we stop somewhere nice. Then I keep a second short sleeve dress shirt in the bag to change into after I reach my destination and freshen up. I also try to wear shirts I should throw out so I don't have to bring them back. This trip though, I don't have any throw-away shirts and I'm feeling fancier than two shirts and a tank top. Might still go with it though.
If I do, then my bag will only have pills, pajama shorts, one shirt, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, and wipes. And then all the food and booze I can fit in the back of the car.
Thor's subplot editing in Age of Ultron
So Thor's subplot seemed confusing and it turns out it was because it was mostly cut.
The original idea was that Thor has this vision of the party, then a second part of the vision with Loki, then leaves to find answers, gets his professor friend, travel to the cave, gets in the waters, lets the Norn muse possess him, and the professor asks the Norn things to get info. Then Thor returns to explain they're dealing with the Infinity Stones.
The onscreen idea was that Thor has this vision of the party, then leaves to find answers, gets his professor friend, travel to the cave, gets in the waters, sees some visions again. Then Thor returns to explain they're dealing with the Infinity Stones.
At one point the idea was that Thor has this vision of the party, then leaves to find answers, then returns with answers.
I think there was a better way to save it in editing.
Thor has this vision of the party, then leaves to find answers, flashes back to the vision, but this time it slows down a bit and the color is dialed down except for the Infinity Stones on people's jewelry. Then Thor returns to explain they're dealing with the Infinity Stones.
Executives are happy because the cave scene is cut, length is saved, and the protagonist of the scene is proactive to move the plot forward.
There was so much jewelry in the vision, I assumed the stones were in there as Easter Eggs.
The original idea was that Thor has this vision of the party, then a second part of the vision with Loki, then leaves to find answers, gets his professor friend, travel to the cave, gets in the waters, lets the Norn muse possess him, and the professor asks the Norn things to get info. Then Thor returns to explain they're dealing with the Infinity Stones.
The onscreen idea was that Thor has this vision of the party, then leaves to find answers, gets his professor friend, travel to the cave, gets in the waters, sees some visions again. Then Thor returns to explain they're dealing with the Infinity Stones.
At one point the idea was that Thor has this vision of the party, then leaves to find answers, then returns with answers.
I think there was a better way to save it in editing.
Thor has this vision of the party, then leaves to find answers, flashes back to the vision, but this time it slows down a bit and the color is dialed down except for the Infinity Stones on people's jewelry. Then Thor returns to explain they're dealing with the Infinity Stones.
Executives are happy because the cave scene is cut, length is saved, and the protagonist of the scene is proactive to move the plot forward.
There was so much jewelry in the vision, I assumed the stones were in there as Easter Eggs.
30 Days of D&D at once
How you got started: My parents started DragonCon sooo... kinda born into it.
Favorite Playable Race: Halfling
Favorite Playable Class: Rogue
Favorite Gameworld: The Nebuchadnezzar, a dimension-hopping ark
Your favorite set of dice/individual die: e-dice baby! It's all e-dice now!
Favorite Deity: Olidammara, God of Chaos and Fun
Favorite Edition: 5th, but I do miss some elements of 3.5.
Favorite Character You Have Played: Larceny Padfooting, classic halfling rogue
Favorite Character You Haven't Played: A tauric polar bear of legend
Craziest thing that's happened that you saw: Triple nat 20 kills a red dragon in the first action of the first round
Favorite Adventure You Have Run: I converted Ocean's 11 into an adventure
Favorite Dungeon Type/Location: Kobold Lair. Tiny tunnels, tons of traps, moral implications of kobold families
Favorite Trap/Puzzle: I made three doors to enter the dungeon. They were all instant death.
Favorite NPC: Uncle from the Jackie Chan Adventures cartoon turned into the wise knowledge base and artificer. He abused the characters terribly and they loved it. I would play him a few times and to show the respect this character garnered, he went into a trance to Contact Another Plane and spoke to a god, who was very intent on leaving a good impression on Uncle and went all fanboy on him.
Favorite Monster (Undead): Skeleton, with early edition rules that make them very hard to stab cause they have no guts
Favorite Monster (Abberation): Intellect Devourer 5e! So over-powered and scary.
Favorite Monster (Animal/Vermin): Toad with Titanic template
Favorite Monster (Immortal/Outsider): Incubus. Everyone expects the sexy demon woman, but not the sexy demon man.
Favorite Monster (Elemental/Plant): None really.
Favorite Monster (Humanoid/Natural/Fey): KOBOLDS! They're so sneaky!
Favorite Dragon Color/Type: Clockwork... or the new 5e Gold.
Favorite Monster Overall: Thing The DM Made Up
Least Favorite Monster Overall: Beholder. Is anyone really scared of these or is everyone just faking it because it's on the cover of everything?
Favorite Energy Type: Fire... burn everything. Cliched, but it's fun.
Favorite Magic Item: Ehlonna's Quiver. Totally underrated.
Favorite Nonmagic Item: Mithral umbrella, the umbrella was in the a splatbook and the idea to apply mithral to it was mine. Folding shield that granted a balance bonus.
A character you want to play in the future: I always want to play more Baron Von Munchhausen, a real life German nobleman who was famous for outrageous tales of incredible deeds.
A character you will never play again: A wild west character who carried no gear except dynamite.
What is the number you always seem to roll on a d20? 3
Best DM you've had: If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
Favorite Playable Race: Halfling
Favorite Playable Class: Rogue
Favorite Gameworld: The Nebuchadnezzar, a dimension-hopping ark
Your favorite set of dice/individual die: e-dice baby! It's all e-dice now!
Favorite Deity: Olidammara, God of Chaos and Fun
Favorite Edition: 5th, but I do miss some elements of 3.5.
Favorite Character You Have Played: Larceny Padfooting, classic halfling rogue
Favorite Character You Haven't Played: A tauric polar bear of legend
Craziest thing that's happened that you saw: Triple nat 20 kills a red dragon in the first action of the first round
Favorite Adventure You Have Run: I converted Ocean's 11 into an adventure
Favorite Dungeon Type/Location: Kobold Lair. Tiny tunnels, tons of traps, moral implications of kobold families
Favorite Trap/Puzzle: I made three doors to enter the dungeon. They were all instant death.
Favorite NPC: Uncle from the Jackie Chan Adventures cartoon turned into the wise knowledge base and artificer. He abused the characters terribly and they loved it. I would play him a few times and to show the respect this character garnered, he went into a trance to Contact Another Plane and spoke to a god, who was very intent on leaving a good impression on Uncle and went all fanboy on him.
Favorite Monster (Undead): Skeleton, with early edition rules that make them very hard to stab cause they have no guts
Favorite Monster (Abberation): Intellect Devourer 5e! So over-powered and scary.
Favorite Monster (Animal/Vermin): Toad with Titanic template
Favorite Monster (Immortal/Outsider): Incubus. Everyone expects the sexy demon woman, but not the sexy demon man.
Favorite Monster (Elemental/Plant): None really.
Favorite Monster (Humanoid/Natural/Fey): KOBOLDS! They're so sneaky!
Favorite Dragon Color/Type: Clockwork... or the new 5e Gold.
Favorite Monster Overall: Thing The DM Made Up
Least Favorite Monster Overall: Beholder. Is anyone really scared of these or is everyone just faking it because it's on the cover of everything?
Favorite Energy Type: Fire... burn everything. Cliched, but it's fun.
Favorite Magic Item: Ehlonna's Quiver. Totally underrated.
Favorite Nonmagic Item: Mithral umbrella, the umbrella was in the a splatbook and the idea to apply mithral to it was mine. Folding shield that granted a balance bonus.
A character you want to play in the future: I always want to play more Baron Von Munchhausen, a real life German nobleman who was famous for outrageous tales of incredible deeds.
A character you will never play again: A wild west character who carried no gear except dynamite.
What is the number you always seem to roll on a d20? 3
Best DM you've had: If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF INSANITY!
I wanted to give these two sides of me a chance to let off some steam. Therapy.
Epic Rap Battles of Insanity! Adam Simon VERSUS Armando Simón Tercero! BEGIN!
Armando:
Yo soy Cubano! El jefe de aqui!
You wanna be first? The line starts behind me.
You’re just a mask I invented to hide who I am.
A spoonful of sugar so they don’t choke on my scam.
You might as well scram. Here comes the final exam.
Why do you choose to be you when you can be who I am?
Adam:
I’m the bon vivant of O-town and I’m glad that we’ve met.
My biggest regret is I can’t follow the example I’ve set.
There’s no need to be first; in fact, I prefer it.
If you win and caused the loss of others then you’re unfit
For the philosophy of me that the universe is knit
And what happens to one, happens to all.
You came first, but we evolved, and I’m the belle of the ball,
All eyes on me performing while you stand in line at will-call.
Armando:
You want your name up in lights and you’re chasing your byline.
Google my name and I’ll show you how to get a headline.
Yo soy Armando El Tercero De Perez,
Primo Hermano De Bacardi, Nieto De
Médico Cardiólogo Del Presidente
Fidel Castro, El Doctor Simón!
You’re an AKA on my police reports, A-dumb.
Adam:
You’re real, but reality is perception.
The world perceives me. You’re a just failed inception.
I fly planes and race cars while you ride the back seat,
Trapped and restrained to just yell as I sleep
On two-thousand thread Egyptian, perfect family at my side
You might have been born, but when I was born, you died.
Levi's in Africa script treatment
Levi Rucker stands still in the jungle. Before him is a mutated leopard, eating his guide. Just before turning on him, Levi is spared by hunters. Levi explain in his first of many travel tips that iBandla lamaNazaretha are a religion whose leaders wear leopard skins as neckware despite their protected status. The poachers spare him and Levi catches up with his photographer on the way to the Swaziland border, where Levi cuts to the front of the line and presents a letter from their government allowing him passage to showcase their sights. Levi and his photographer are given conditional grants. They may enter, but must leave together. A precaution to avoid citizens escaping the country. That night, the photographer disappears from his room.
Levi continues without him, exploring Swaziland and getting a new photographer in a drug baron named Lindiwe Dyuba who keeps pushing to return to the border. Lindiwe wants to escape Swaziland and his life of crime. He assures Levi he can make himself look like his former photographer.
Outside a casino, Levi is attacked and Lindiwe saves him. The two celebrate with alcohol, drugs, and sex. At the last possible moment, Levi discovers that Lindiwe is a she in disguise.
The next morning Lindiwe explains her name is Tintswalo Mavimbela and he created the Lindiwe character because woman have no rights in Swaziland are often raped. Levi suddenly realizes that he may have contracted AIDS and Tintswalo urges him to return to the border with her. Levi reveals that his tourism article is a false front as he investigates reports of chemical weapons testing. He hopes the reports are true so that it will launch him to fame. Tintswalo argues but ultimately agrees to their original deal. She will be his photographer and he will escort her out of Swaziland.
The two explore their relationship while on a road trip through the worst country on Earth, stopping at one point for Tintswalo to sell drugs to a warlord. Ultimately, Levi must infiltrate the chemical weapons facility alone as Tintswalo reveals she is on the building's watch list for treason.
Inside, Levi meets Geils, a scientist responsible for an invention that induces madness and the application of it towards the Mambo, political opponents of the king turned into bloodthirsty zombie-like savages who are terrorizing Swaziland. Geils, mad himself, sees Levi as a kindred soul and invites him to join in the fun. He reveals his intention to poison a large lake that feeds to severel countries with the poison, turning the populace into Mambo, convinced that in madness is truth.
Levi steals a gun and shoots a propane tank, gaining him escape. Reuniting with Tintswalo, the two head towards the border before Levi has a change of heart. If he escapes, the lake will be poisoned and all those people will die. He decides to act. Tintswalo leaves him to walk back to town. Levi stops and has a beer, trying to come up with a plan. Tintswalo returns to him, only to be overrun by Mambo. Using a trick from the facility, the two escape death and Tintswalo, having seen the horrors of the Mambo, agrees to try to stop Geils.
As the lake is large, the two split up to ask the people in town if they have seen Geils. Levi discovers Tintswalo's car at an empty convenience store. He sees her being raped behind the store and returns to the car, grabbing one of her guns and emptying it into the man. He takes her back into town to recover at a motel and does the only thing he knows how to do: gets her high. Levi decides the Swazis are not worth saving and wants to drive to the border, but Tintswalo says these things happen to her because of the evils she's done. She needs to right this wrong.
The two pass a village made of shipping containers and their car breaks down before it reaches the lake. They take guns and ammo and hike towards the lake, only to find they are too late. Geils has poisoned the lake already. Military helicopters fly down and a battle between Geils' mercenaries and the Swaziland military begins. Tintswalo takes on the worst of the soldiers and is recognized by Geils. Levi loses a leg in an explosion. When the dust clears, the king and a few of his men kill all survivors except Geils, Levi, and Tintswalo. The king kicks Tintswalo in the head, knocking her unconscious, and toys with Levi as his men stomp on Geils and shoot him dead. As the king toys with Levi, another burst of fire is heard. Tintswalo stands with a machine pistol, having killed the soldiers from behind. Before anyone can speak, she empties the gun into the king.
The two suffer from mosquitos as they hobble back down the road, trying to keep Levi from dying. They rest at the broken car a moment before moving on to the shipping container village, only to find it now populated by Mambo.
Captured by the Mambo, Levi's bite-sized parts and organs are removed and eaten. In a futile, one legged leap of anger towards the creatures, he lands on their dinner table and they begin to feast on him. Again, Tintswalo uses his suffering as a distraction to reach a gun and save him. Levi demands in collecting up all his severed parts and taking them with him. "These are mine..."
Carrying Levi in a wheelbarrow, Tintswalo walks towards the bordertown only to find that South Africa, on the other side of the border, is swarming with Mambo, much to the amusement of the Swazis who watch through the fences with guns. A kind Swazi allows them to use his storeroom to rest. Tintswalo later returns to Levi, disguised as his former photographer. She is carrying the kind man's clothes in one hand and a bloody knife she seems not to notice in her other. She changes Levi into the clothes and puts him in the wheelbarrow, practicing her fake name and story about tourism. The Mambo have passed for now. As they go through the border, Levi sees wanted posters in the guard's hut. He sees Tintswalo as Lindiwe Dyuba on one and another for Sikelela Mavimbela which also looks like Tintswalo.
As she wheels Levi through South Africa, Tintswalo explains how horrible her life was in Swaziland and what she had to do to survive, revealing herself to be completely insane, possessed of multiple personalities, and one of the chemists who worked with Geils to develop the Mambo. Levi says nothing as he fears losing his ride and still finds Tintswalo attractive.
Once in a proper city, Levi's influence takes over in a whirlwind. He is hospitalized and treated for immediate injuries in all the luxury South Africa can provide. He arranges for Tintswalo to come to America as an informant through his government connections and his editor. They travel first-class, land in New York, and a car is waiting to take them to Levi's trendy loft. Levi warns Tintswalo not to go outside, gives her several hundred dollars, and points out the bathroom and the takeout menus before abandoning Tintswalo in the foreign environment, completely out of water. He retreats to a surgery unit and spa, in which his is constantly interrupted by her calls on matters such as the woman who broke into his home (the maid). While at the spa, a US government agent visits to request a debriefing of his activities. Levi tells him to read about it on newsstands and smiles, drinking a green juice. Checking out, Levi collects the messages from Tintswalo and throws them in the trash and he talks on his phone about "getting that one shrink to put my girlfriend on a shit-ton of lithium to make her real docile and sweet." Levi limps to the curb and hails a cab. He gets inside and directs the cabbie to go to Silvana's. When the driver replies, Levi sees that he is a sub-saharan African. He smiles and thinks. "You ever been to Silvana's?" Levi asks. "Not on my wages." Levi smiles.
Levi continues without him, exploring Swaziland and getting a new photographer in a drug baron named Lindiwe Dyuba who keeps pushing to return to the border. Lindiwe wants to escape Swaziland and his life of crime. He assures Levi he can make himself look like his former photographer.
Outside a casino, Levi is attacked and Lindiwe saves him. The two celebrate with alcohol, drugs, and sex. At the last possible moment, Levi discovers that Lindiwe is a she in disguise.
The next morning Lindiwe explains her name is Tintswalo Mavimbela and he created the Lindiwe character because woman have no rights in Swaziland are often raped. Levi suddenly realizes that he may have contracted AIDS and Tintswalo urges him to return to the border with her. Levi reveals that his tourism article is a false front as he investigates reports of chemical weapons testing. He hopes the reports are true so that it will launch him to fame. Tintswalo argues but ultimately agrees to their original deal. She will be his photographer and he will escort her out of Swaziland.
The two explore their relationship while on a road trip through the worst country on Earth, stopping at one point for Tintswalo to sell drugs to a warlord. Ultimately, Levi must infiltrate the chemical weapons facility alone as Tintswalo reveals she is on the building's watch list for treason.
Inside, Levi meets Geils, a scientist responsible for an invention that induces madness and the application of it towards the Mambo, political opponents of the king turned into bloodthirsty zombie-like savages who are terrorizing Swaziland. Geils, mad himself, sees Levi as a kindred soul and invites him to join in the fun. He reveals his intention to poison a large lake that feeds to severel countries with the poison, turning the populace into Mambo, convinced that in madness is truth.
Levi steals a gun and shoots a propane tank, gaining him escape. Reuniting with Tintswalo, the two head towards the border before Levi has a change of heart. If he escapes, the lake will be poisoned and all those people will die. He decides to act. Tintswalo leaves him to walk back to town. Levi stops and has a beer, trying to come up with a plan. Tintswalo returns to him, only to be overrun by Mambo. Using a trick from the facility, the two escape death and Tintswalo, having seen the horrors of the Mambo, agrees to try to stop Geils.
As the lake is large, the two split up to ask the people in town if they have seen Geils. Levi discovers Tintswalo's car at an empty convenience store. He sees her being raped behind the store and returns to the car, grabbing one of her guns and emptying it into the man. He takes her back into town to recover at a motel and does the only thing he knows how to do: gets her high. Levi decides the Swazis are not worth saving and wants to drive to the border, but Tintswalo says these things happen to her because of the evils she's done. She needs to right this wrong.
The two pass a village made of shipping containers and their car breaks down before it reaches the lake. They take guns and ammo and hike towards the lake, only to find they are too late. Geils has poisoned the lake already. Military helicopters fly down and a battle between Geils' mercenaries and the Swaziland military begins. Tintswalo takes on the worst of the soldiers and is recognized by Geils. Levi loses a leg in an explosion. When the dust clears, the king and a few of his men kill all survivors except Geils, Levi, and Tintswalo. The king kicks Tintswalo in the head, knocking her unconscious, and toys with Levi as his men stomp on Geils and shoot him dead. As the king toys with Levi, another burst of fire is heard. Tintswalo stands with a machine pistol, having killed the soldiers from behind. Before anyone can speak, she empties the gun into the king.
The two suffer from mosquitos as they hobble back down the road, trying to keep Levi from dying. They rest at the broken car a moment before moving on to the shipping container village, only to find it now populated by Mambo.
Captured by the Mambo, Levi's bite-sized parts and organs are removed and eaten. In a futile, one legged leap of anger towards the creatures, he lands on their dinner table and they begin to feast on him. Again, Tintswalo uses his suffering as a distraction to reach a gun and save him. Levi demands in collecting up all his severed parts and taking them with him. "These are mine..."
Carrying Levi in a wheelbarrow, Tintswalo walks towards the bordertown only to find that South Africa, on the other side of the border, is swarming with Mambo, much to the amusement of the Swazis who watch through the fences with guns. A kind Swazi allows them to use his storeroom to rest. Tintswalo later returns to Levi, disguised as his former photographer. She is carrying the kind man's clothes in one hand and a bloody knife she seems not to notice in her other. She changes Levi into the clothes and puts him in the wheelbarrow, practicing her fake name and story about tourism. The Mambo have passed for now. As they go through the border, Levi sees wanted posters in the guard's hut. He sees Tintswalo as Lindiwe Dyuba on one and another for Sikelela Mavimbela which also looks like Tintswalo.
As she wheels Levi through South Africa, Tintswalo explains how horrible her life was in Swaziland and what she had to do to survive, revealing herself to be completely insane, possessed of multiple personalities, and one of the chemists who worked with Geils to develop the Mambo. Levi says nothing as he fears losing his ride and still finds Tintswalo attractive.
Once in a proper city, Levi's influence takes over in a whirlwind. He is hospitalized and treated for immediate injuries in all the luxury South Africa can provide. He arranges for Tintswalo to come to America as an informant through his government connections and his editor. They travel first-class, land in New York, and a car is waiting to take them to Levi's trendy loft. Levi warns Tintswalo not to go outside, gives her several hundred dollars, and points out the bathroom and the takeout menus before abandoning Tintswalo in the foreign environment, completely out of water. He retreats to a surgery unit and spa, in which his is constantly interrupted by her calls on matters such as the woman who broke into his home (the maid). While at the spa, a US government agent visits to request a debriefing of his activities. Levi tells him to read about it on newsstands and smiles, drinking a green juice. Checking out, Levi collects the messages from Tintswalo and throws them in the trash and he talks on his phone about "getting that one shrink to put my girlfriend on a shit-ton of lithium to make her real docile and sweet." Levi limps to the curb and hails a cab. He gets inside and directs the cabbie to go to Silvana's. When the driver replies, Levi sees that he is a sub-saharan African. He smiles and thinks. "You ever been to Silvana's?" Levi asks. "Not on my wages." Levi smiles.
Day 4 of being vegan
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Beans and sweet potato and wine
Am I forgetting the drugs? I'm taking a LOT of drugs.
Day 3 of veganism
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: Beans and watermelon (almost licked cheese off my hand after a gush from Hunter's grilled cheese but didn't)
Dinner: Skipped
So one day of being vegan, but it was practically a fast.
Lunch: Beans and watermelon (almost licked cheese off my hand after a gush from Hunter's grilled cheese but didn't)
Dinner: Skipped
So one day of being vegan, but it was practically a fast.
Day 2 of being vegan
Go Vegan For A Week was on my 2015 bucket list.
Day One
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: 3/4ths of 10" vegan pizza that turned out to have cheese in the sauce and unsweet tea
Dinner: 1/4th of 10" not-quite-vegan pizza, glass of red wine
Day Two
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: Large french fries and unsweet tea but Hunter spilled some ice cream, I caught it, I had no napkin, I ate it
Dinner: Bean soup and two glasses of wine but while feeding Hunter a pizza roll, got some cheese on me and ate it
I'm taking this vegan for a week and meatless Lent as a chance to renew my dedication to my "Year of Denial". Here is the current list of NOs.
Day One
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: 3/4ths of 10" vegan pizza that turned out to have cheese in the sauce and unsweet tea
Dinner: 1/4th of 10" not-quite-vegan pizza, glass of red wine
Day Two
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: Large french fries and unsweet tea but Hunter spilled some ice cream, I caught it, I had no napkin, I ate it
Dinner: Bean soup and two glasses of wine but while feeding Hunter a pizza roll, got some cheese on me and ate it
I'm taking this vegan for a week and meatless Lent as a chance to renew my dedication to my "Year of Denial". Here is the current list of NOs.
- No meat
- No dairy or other animal products
- No television
- No movies
- No comics
- No video games
- No restaurants
- No writing off friends
- No indulging martyrdom
- No charity
- No picking up tabs (split tabs only)
- No nonessential spending
Somar the Whore
I keep warning my friends. If they keep invoking his name, he's going to be converted to 5th edition.
Though I know I should be wary
Still I summon something scary
Dashing demon, kingly whore
Somar! Somar! Somar!
attacking monsters and praying for the best. Others
Though I know I should be wary
Still I summon something scary
Dashing demon, kingly whore
Somar! Somar! Somar!
Name: Somar the Whore 14 Class: Race6/Lust1/Sor2/Seducer5 Race: Incubus (Outsider (Lust))
Str 18 - 4 Initiative: _7_ = Dex _7_ + Other __
Dex 24 - 7 AC: _26_ = 10 + Dex _7_ + Nat _9_
Con 22 - 6 HP: 140
Int 24 - 7 Fortitude: _14_ = Class _6_ + Con _6_ + Other _2_ Gold: 0
Wis 16 - 3 Reflex: _15_ = Class _6_ + Dex _7_ + Other _2_
Cha 36 - 13 Will: _17_ = Class _12_ + Wis _3_ + Other _2_
Languages: Common, Draconic, Abyssal, Celestial BAB _9/4_
WEAPON: Claws +13/+8 / Dam 1d6+4
ABILITIES: Darkvision 60 feet, Flight 50 feet, damage reduction 10/cold iron or good, immunity to electricity and poison, resistance to acid 10, cold 10, and fire 10, spell resistance 18, telepathy 100 feet, tongues. Sexy, shocking, caution to the wind, All you can think about, Slave to the suave, Summon familiar (rat)
FEATS: Bedroom Proficiency (+2 to bluff, diplomacy, concentration, gather info and sense motive in bedroom), Endurance, Iron Will, Lightning Reflexes, Versatile Performer
SPELLS: Spell Lvl/Known/Per Day DC = 10 + Spell Lvl + Ability Mod
0/7/6 1/5/6 2/3/6 3/2/6
Ghost Sound Speedy Undress Web Clairvoyance
Message Animate Rope Movable Zone Hold Person
Ray of Frost Enlarge Person Pleasurable Vibration (Will save, then Ref DC 15 or drop object each round)
Fascinating C/P Vinegar Strokes
Arcane Mark Unseen Servant
Open/Close
Prestidigitation
Spell-Like Abilities: At will- charm monster (DC 27), detect good, detect thoughts (DC 25), etheral jaunt (self plus 50 pound of objects only), alter self (humanoid form only, no limit on duration), suggestion (DC 26), greater teleport (self plus 50 pounds of objects only). Caster level 12th. The save DCs are Charisma-based.
SKILL Total Rank Mod Other
Bluff 26 17 5 4
Concentration 23 17 6
Diplomacy 32 17 13 2
Disguise 42 17 13 12
Escape Artist 26 17 7 2
Gather Information 32 17 13 2
Knowledge (Nobility) 13 6 7
Listen 28 17 3 8
Perform (striptease) 36 17 13 6
Perform (lap dance) 20 1 13 6 (rolled at striptease level)
Perform (moaning) 20 1 13 6 (rolled at striptease level)
Search 26 17 7 2
Sense Motive 22 17 3 2
Spot 28 17 3 8
Use Rope 26 17 7 2
EQUIPMENT: Belt of Magnificence +6, masterwork stripper clothing
Shocking: 3/day Outburst of “I'm going to fuck your children and have their abortions.” All that hear (friend and foe) are stunned for one round. Fort DC 15+cha or faint, helpless until revived.
Caution to the wind: Able to seduce anyone eventually. Will DC 15+cha every hour. Every hour in contact with seducer adds temporary +1 to DC. Each day adds +1 to DC permanently. True love is preventative to this.
All You Can Think About: Quick glance Will save DC 15+cha or causes person to think of nothing but seducer, visiting their dreams every night for one week per points failed by. Subject gets -5 to Will save vs seducer's advances or magic during this period.
Slave to the Suave: Once you go red... xp 100 times hit dice to make permanent charm person.
Induce Lust: All creatures within 30 ft. must make a Will save (DC 10 + ½ creatures hit dice + Charisma modifier) or
immediately stop what they were doing and engaging in intimate and passionate relations with the nearest viable candidate.
Fascinating Cleavage/Package
Enchantment (Charm)
Level: Brd 0, Sor/Wiz 1.
Components: V, S, M.
Casting Time: 1 minute.
Range: Touch.
Targets: Creatures viewing target.
Duration: 1 hour +15 minutes/level.
Saving Throw: Will negates.
Spell Resistance: Yes.
Cast upon a suitable décolletage or lunchbox, this
spell renders the area utterly fascinating to those
who would be normally attracted to such sights,
regardless of the actual state of the area in question.
Those who gaze upon the enchanted crotch or
breasts will find themselves oddly fascinated, and
vulnerable to buying drinks and doing other favours
for the subject of this spell.
The recipient receives a +2 bonus to all Bluff,
Diplomacy, Disguise, Gather information and
Perform checks provided they are directed at a
susceptible audience that has not resisted the spell.
As with many spells that appear to enhance the
‘characteristics’ of the subject, when the spell wears
off they can be subject to the disappointment and
anger of those who have been duped. This was well
demonstrated by the public lynching of ‘Long-
Dong’ McTavish (formerly ‘Pixie-Hung’ McTavish),
the noted bard whose spell suddenly collapsed
Hypnotic Rump
Enchantment (Charm)
Level: Brd 1, Sor/Wiz 1.
Components: S, M.
Casting Time: 1 action.
Range: Personal.
Effect: Creatures of correct orientation with line of
sight to buttocks.
Duration: 1 round/level plus the casters Charisma
score.
Saving Throw: Will negates.
Spell Resistance: Yes.
This powerful enchantment renders the casters
buttocks fascinating beyond belief to those of the
sexual orientation to appreciate such a sight that are
able to see.
Roll 2d4 +1/level to determine how many hit-dice of
creatures can be affected by a single casting of this
spell.
Those affected can do nothing but stare and make
lewd comments, and are completely distracted from
whatever they were doing be it guard duty, knitting
or preparing a spell.
Blue mages caught on the hop and attacked out of
the blue have been known to use this spell
defensively, friskily wiggling their buttocks at
attacking monsters and praying for the best. Others
use the spell to distract guards while their rogue
companion’s sneak past.
Arcane Material Component: A scrap of leather or
rubber placed next to the buttocks.
Moveable Pleasure Zone
Transmutation
Level: Sor/Wiz 2.
Components: V, S.
Casting Time: 1 action.
Range: Touch.
Targets: One living creature.
Duration: 30 minutes/level.
Saving Throw: Fortitude negates.
Spell Resistance: Yes.
This wondrous spell enables the caster to mess with
the pleasure zones of the targets. Those affected by
the spell can suddenly find that the mere act of
shaking hands gives them more pleasure than they
have ever known or that testing the bath water with
their elbow is like dipping their testicles into a
boiling kettle.
Whichever area is affected becomes the target’s
primary pleasure zone and as a consequence
extremely sensitive in terms of both tactile sensation
and pain
Vinegar Strokes
Enchantment (Compulsion)
Level: Sor/Wiz 1
Components: V, S, M.
Casting Time: 1 action.
Range: Close (25 ft. + 5 ft/2 levels).
Target : One creature.
Duration: 1d4 rounds + 1 round/level
Saving Throw: Will negates.
Spell Resistance: Yes.
This simple yet effective spell causes the target not
to orgasm but rather to enter the tense and nerve
tingling set of sensations just before orgasm.
While affected the target is unable to do much
except make ‘Ooh! Aah!’ sounds hop from foot to
foot and produce a series of comedic and
embarrassing facial expressions. The target is
unable to move, cast spells or use mental abilities
but can defend themselves from attack and attackers
receive no bonuses to hit.
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